Sleigh the Holidays: A Queer persons guide to handling uncomfortable conversations

The holidays are supposed to be about warmth, connection, and joy. But if you're LGBTQIA+, you know they can also mean bracing yourself for invasive questions, comments that sting, and conversations that leave you exhausted before dessert even hits the table.

LGBTQIA+ Holiday Survival Guide - Handling Difficult Conversations

Here's the truth: You don't owe anyone an explanation, a performance, or access to your private life. Not even during the holidays. Not even if they're family.

This guide isn't here to teach you how to become a walking educational resource or keep the peace at all costs. It's here to help you protect YOUR energy, set boundaries that work for YOU, and navigate uncomfortable moments without losing yourself in the process.

Why Holiday Gatherings Hit Different

Family gatherings aren't neutral spaces for most queer folks. Even when relatives mean well, the holidays can feel like navigating a minefield of misgendering, invasive questions, and casual (sometimes even intentional) ignorance. 

You're expected to show up, smile, and "not make it awkward" - while managing conversations that question or criticize the deepest parts of who you are.

LGBTQIA+ people report higher stress levels during the holidays compared to their non-LGBTQ peers, with increased feelings of isolation, depression, and anxiety about safety. The pressure to conform, the fear of conflict, the balancing act between authenticity and safety - it's a lot. And it's okay to admit that the holidays are complicated.

The Conversations You Didn't Ask For (and How to Handle Them)

So, let's talk strategy. The invisible work of managing other people's comfort, curiosity, or ignorance is called emotional labor, and you are not obligated to perform it during the holidays. However, if you choose to engage, it can be helpful to have some go-to answers in mind before you go in.

We’ve provided some thoughtful scripts below to help you navigate some uncomfortable (but frequently brought-up) topics at the dinner table. Think of these as a customizable toolkit where you choose the response that best protects your energy and safety. 

Uncomfortable Topic #1: "So… are you dating anyone?"

• Option 1: The Redirect: "Nothing serious right now. How's your job going?"

• Option 2: The Boundary: "I'm keeping my personal life pretty private these days."

• Option 3: The Honest Version: "Yeah, actually. Their name is [name], and we're really happy."

  
  

Uncomfortable Topic #2: "Why do you dress like that?"

• Option 1: The Light Deflection: "Because I look amazing. Thanks for noticing."

• Option 2: The Clear Boundary: "I dress in a way that feels authentic to me. I'm not looking for feedback."

• Option 3: The Exit: "I'm gonna grab some water. Be right back."

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Uncomfortable Topic #3: "I don't understand this whole pronoun thing. What do you mean you want to go by [Your Pronoun]?"

• Option 1: The Educational (If You Have Energy): "Pronouns are just how someone wants to be referred to. Mine are [your pronouns]."

• Option 2: The Boundary: "I'm happy to point you to some resources, but I'm not up for a full conversation right now."

• Option 3: The Firm No: "It's not up for debate. Just use [pronouns], and we're good."

  
  

Uncomfortable Topic #4: "We didn't have this when I was growing up."

• Option 1: The Compassionate Response: "It's always existed - people just didn't have the language or safety to talk about it."

• Option 2: The Disengagement: "I hear you, but I'm not interested in debating my existence. Let's talk about something else."

  
  

Uncomfortable Topic #5: "I don't care what people do… I just don't want it shoved in my face."

• Option 1: The Calm Push-Back: "Existing isn't 'shoving it in your face.' I'm just living my life."

• Option 2: The Exit: "I think we're going to have to agree to disagree. Excuse me."

Pro Tip: Ground Yourself Before You Walk In

Define your boundaries. What topics are you willing to discuss? What's off-limits? It's okay to decide in advance that your dating life, your body, or your identity are not up for conversation.

Prepare exit lines. Try: "I'm not available for this conversation," "Let's change the subject," or "I'm going to take a break."

Identify your safe people. Who's in your corner? A sibling, cousin, or friend? Create a signal - a text, a look - so you can tag them in when you need support.

Have an exit plan. Know where you can step away for a breather. If possible, have your own transportation. Line up something comforting for afterward - a call with a friend, time with chosen family.

A Note to Allies

LGBTQ+ allies (especially straight, cis-gender allies) often have more authority or good favor with those difficult family members who are likely to bring up uncomfortable topics. If this is you, use that favor to step in when harmful comments arise. Model correct pronouns. Redirect problematic conversations. Uplift your queer loved ones without making a spectacle. And most importantly: respect privacy and safety. Don't out anyone or share information that isn't yours to share.

Read More: 15 Things Every Transgender Ally Should Know

Building Your Own Traditions

You get to redefine what "family" and "holidays" mean to you. Celebrate with chosen family. Host Friendsgiving. Create traditions that honor your identity. Find LGBTQ center events or virtual meetups. Design what "family" looks like long-term.

You don't have to keep showing up to spaces that harm you. You can choose joy, safety, and belonging on your own terms.

Crisis & Support Resources

The holiday season can be complicated and overwhelming for a LOT of people, so please know you’re not alone. If you need emergency support in crisis or just someone to talk to, check out these free resources:

• The Trevor Project (1-866-488-7386) - 24/7 crisis support

• Trans Lifeline (1-877-565-8860) - Peer support hotline

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - Immediate emotional support

• PFLAG - Support for LGBTQ people and loved ones at pflag.org

• The LGBT National Help Center - Peer support and online chat

You Deserve Peace, Safety, and Joy This Season

The emotional labor that LGBTQIA+ people perform during the holidays - code-switching, educating, defending your existence - is real and exhausting.

But the bottom line is that our identity is not up for debate. Your relationships are not a topic for dinner table discussion. Your safety and peace matter more than keeping up appearances.

You get to choose how you spend this season. You get to set boundaries. You get to leave early. You get to skip it entirely. You get to build new traditions that actually feel good.

The LGBTQ+ community is here for you. You are seen, you are valid, and you deserve to experience the holidays on your own terms.

Here's to surviving - and maybe even thriving - this holiday season. 🏳️‍🌈✨

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