Chosen Family: Why it matters and how to build one.

The holiday season can bring up complicated feelings about family. While some people look forward to gathering around the table with their relatives, others find themselves navigating strained relationships, feeling out of place, or wondering where they truly belong. 

If this resonates with you, please know that you are never alone. The love, support, and connection that family is supposed to provide can be found elsewhere:

Chosen Family, your intentional community.

What Is Chosen Family?

Chosen family refers to the people we intentionally select to be our closest support system - the ones who show up for us, celebrate with us, and stand by us through life's challenges. Unlike biological family, which is determined by birth or legal ties, chosen family is built on mutual care, shared values, and genuine connection.

While the concept of chosen family is especially meaningful within the LGBTQIA+ community, where many people face rejection or lack understanding from biological relatives, it's relevant to anyone who has experienced strained family relationships, loss, distance, or simply seeks deeper connections beyond traditional family structures.

Chosen family isn't about replacing biological family. It's about creating a network of people who truly see you, accept you, and support you for who you are.

Why Chosen Family Matters

Emotional Support and Validation

Chosen family provides a safe space where you can be your authentic self without fear of judgment or rejection. These are the people who affirm your identity, celebrate your milestones, and show up during difficult moments - whether that's coming out, navigating a transition, dealing with discrimination, or simply having a bad day.

During the holidays, when family gatherings can feel isolating for those whose biological families don't accept them, chosen family creates alternative celebrations where everyone belongs. Whether it's hosting a "Friendsgiving," creating new holiday traditions, or simply having someone to text when things feel overwhelming, chosen family fills the gaps that biological family sometimes leaves behind.

Mental Health Benefits

The impact of chosen family on mental health is profound. Research consistently shows that strong social support networks decrease feelings of isolation and loneliness, which are significant risk factors for depression and anxiety. For LGBTQ individuals who face higher rates of mental health challenges due to discrimination and marginalization, chosen family serves as a critical buffer against stress.

Having people who understand your lived experience and validate your identity can literally be life-saving. Studies indicate that queer and transgender youth with supportive communities have significantly lower rates of suicide attempts and self-harm. Chosen family provides the resilience and strength needed to navigate a world that isn't always accepting.

Community and Belonging

Humans are hardwired for connection and belonging. Chosen family reinforces your sense of identity and helps you feel grounded in a community that shares your values and experiences. 

When you're surrounded by people who “get it” - who understand the unique challenges you face and celebrate the unique strengths you bring - you develop a stronger sense of self and confidence to move through the world authentically.

Who Can Be Part of Your Chosen Family?

Chosen family can include anyone who provides genuine support and connection in your life. This might be close friends who know you better than anyone, mentors who guide and encourage you, roommates who create a sense of home, coworkers who have your back, or community members you've connected with through shared experiences or activism.

The key is mutual support, not obligation. Chosen family relationships are built on consent and reciprocity - everyone involved wants to be there and actively contributes to the relationship. Unlike some biological family dynamics, where people may feel trapped by obligation, chosen family thrives on genuine care and intentional effort.

It's also important to recognize that chosen family may evolve over time. People move, life circumstances change, and relationships naturally shift. Some chosen family members may be with you for a season, while others become lifelong connections. Both are valuable and important.

How to Build Your Chosen Family

Identify Your Needs

Start by getting clear on what kind of support you're looking for. Do you need emotional support - someone to talk to when things get hard? Social connection for fun and celebration? Practical help with everyday challenges? Different people in your chosen family might fulfill different needs, and that's perfectly okay.

Think about who you want in your circle for various types of support. You might have one friend who's great for deep conversations, another who makes you laugh when you need it most, and a mentor who provides guidance during career decisions or other big life changes.

Start With Existing Connections

Look at the relationships already in your life. Who consistently shows up for you? Which friends make you feel most like yourself? Are there coworkers, classmates, or community members you feel particularly connected to?

Chosen family often emerges from friendships that already have a foundation of trust and shared values. You don't need to start from scratch - you might already have the beginnings of your chosen family right in front of you.

If you're part of LGBTQIA+ organizations, support groups, or community spaces, these are natural places to find people who understand your experiences and share your journey.

Strengthen Relationships

Building chosen family requires intentional effort to deepen connections. Regular check-ins, shared activities, and consistent support help transform casual friendships into family bonds.

Create traditions together - whether that's weekly game nights, monthly brunches, annual camping trips, or this season, alternative holiday celebrations like Friendsgiving or a Christmas gathering. 

Celebrate each other's wins and show up during tough times. Even small gestures like regular texts, sending TikTok videos or memes that remind you of each other, or organizing mutual aid when someone needs help can significantly strengthen bonds.

Expand Your Network

If you're looking to build new connections, seek out spaces where you can meet like-minded people. Attend LGBTQ events, pride celebrations, community meetups, or support groups. Join online communities and forums focused on queer connection and support.

Volunteering in LGBTQ community spaces is a particularly effective way to build chosen family because it brings together people who share a common purpose and values. Whether it's working with organizations like ours, supporting local queer youth programs, or participating in advocacy efforts, shared purpose often creates deep bonds.

Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Healthy chosen families honor boundaries and communicate openly. Just because someone is chosen family doesn't mean the relationship should be boundaryless or that everyone needs to meet every need.

Be clear about your expectations and support needs, and encourage others to do the same. Communicate when you need space, when you need more support, or when something isn't working. Boundaries aren't walls - they're the foundation that allows relationships to thrive sustainably.

Chosen Family in Practice

Chosen family shows up in countless ways across different life stages and circumstances. 

• A college student who doesn't feel safe going home for the holidays finds warmth and acceptance at their friend's Friendsgiving. 

• A young professional navigating coming out at work leans on their chosen siblings for courage and validation. 

• A parent raising a gay or trans teen finds community with other parents who understand the unique joys and challenges of raising LGBTQ+ kids in a world that’s not always welcoming. 

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Chosen family shines brightest during celebrations and crises alike. They're the ones who throw you a birthday party, who sit with you in the hospital, who help you move apartments, who celebrate your promotion or your transition milestones. They show up for holidays when biological family doesn't, creating new traditions that fill the gap. 

Conclusion

As we move through this holiday season and into the new year, we encourage you to actively cultivate supportive connections. Reach out to the people who matter most, strengthen existing bonds, and remain open to new relationships that could become part of your chosen family.

You deserve to be surrounded by people who see you, accept you, and celebrate you for exactly who you are. Whether you're just beginning to build your chosen family or you're deepening existing connections, know that you're not alone in this journey.

Next Steps: 

• Get involved in Be The Transformational Change's programs and events to meet other like-minded people.

• Share this post with someone who might need to hear it.

• Reach out to local LGBTQ+ organizations to find chosen family in your area. 

Your people are out there - and they're looking for you too.