How to Set (And Keep) Healthy Relationship Boundaries” I Be the Transformational Change
- Morgan Messick
- Jan 14
- 8 min read
Boundaries are a mental health tool - one of the most powerful ones you have - and they're essential for showing up authentically in your relationships and your life.
So why do so many of us struggle with them?
For a lot of people, especially those in the LGBTQIA+ community, boundary-setting can feel impossible. Maybe you grew up being told that your needs didn't matter, or that speaking up was "causing drama." Maybe you learned early on that keeping the peace meant staying quiet, even when something didn't feel right.
For trans and queer folks, the fear of losing connections - especially if family or friends have already rejected you - can make saying "no" feel like a luxury you can't afford.
But here's the truth: boundaries don't push people away. They protect what matters. They safeguard your mental health, your relationships, and your sense of self. Without them, you're not giving more - you're burning out. And that doesn't serve anyone.
This guide will help you understand what healthy boundaries look like, how to set them without guilt, and what to do when someone pushes back. Because you deserve relationships where respect flows both ways.
What Are Healthy Boundaries (Really)?
Before we dive into the how, let's clear up what boundaries actually are (and are not) - because there's a lot of confusion out there.
Boundaries are not ultimatums. An ultimatum is, “do this or else.” A boundary is “this is what I will do to take care of myself.” The difference? Boundaries focus on your behavior, not controlling someone else's.
Boundaries are not walls. Walls keep everyone out. Boundaries let the right people in while protecting you from harm.
Boundaries are not punishment. They're not about withholding love or giving someone the silent treatment. They're about creating clarity, so both people know what to expect.
Internal vs. External Boundaries
Internal boundaries are the ones you set with yourself - like limiting how much you scroll social media, not over-explaining your decisions, or choosing not to ruminate on someone else's opinion of you.
External boundaries are the ones you communicate to others - like asking your partner not to speak to you in a certain tone, telling a friend you're not available to text after 10 PM, or declining family events that leave you drained.
Both matter. And both take practice.
The key thing to remember? You can't control how others respond to your boundaries. You can only control whether you hold them.
Why Boundaries Matter for Mental Health & Well-Being
Emotional and Psychological Health
When you don't have boundaries, you end up carrying emotional weight that isn't yours to carry. You say yes when you mean no. You absorb other people's stress, moods, and expectations until you're so depleted you can barely function.
Over time, this leads to:
Burnout from constantly prioritizing everyone else's needs
Resentment toward the people you love
Anxiety from never knowing when the next demand is coming
People-pleasing patterns that make it hard to recognize what you actually want
Boundaries create emotional safety. They give you space to rest, recharge, and show up as the person you want to be - not the exhausted version of yourself running on fumes.
Relationship Health
Here's something that might surprise you: boundaries actually strengthen relationships.
When expectations are clear, trust can grow. When both people know what's okay and what's not, there's less guessing, less resentment, and more room for genuine connection.
Resentment is one of the clearest signs that a boundary is missing. If you find yourself thinking, “I can't believe they asked me to do that again,” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” - that's your signal. There's a boundary you haven't set or enforced.
Healthy relationships aren't built on one person endlessly accommodating the other. They're built on mutual respect. And respect requires clarity.
Identity and Self-Worth
For many people - especially those who've faced rejection, discrimination, or trauma - boundaries can feel terrifying. What if standing up for yourself means losing someone? What if they get angry? What if they leave?
But here's what's also true: every time you honor a boundary, you're telling yourself that your needs matter. You're reinforcing your self-respect. You're showing up for the person who needs you most: you.
If you've spent years shrinking yourself to fit into spaces that didn't celebrate you, boundary-setting is an act of reclaiming your wholeness. It's healing work. And yes, it's hard. But it's also worth it.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Get Clear With Yourself First
Before you can communicate a boundary to someone else, you need to know what it is. This means getting honest with yourself about what drains you and what supports you.
Ask yourself:
What situations or interactions leave me feeling exhausted or resentful?
What patterns keep showing up that don't feel okay?
What do I need to feel safe, respected, and valued in this relationship?
Notice where discomfort lives. Maybe it's a friend who only calls when they need something, or a family member who refuses to use your name or pronouns. Maybe it's a partner who dismisses your feelings. Whatever it is, name it.
And remember: a boundary is about what you need, not what you wish the other person would do. You can't control their behavior, but you can decide how you'll respond.
Communicating Boundaries Clearly
Once you know what your boundary is, it's time to communicate it. This is where a lot of people get stuck - because saying it out loud feels scary.
Here's the thing: you don't need to over-explain, justify, or apologize for your boundaries. In fact, the clearer and simpler your language, the better.
Here’s an example of what communicating healthy boundaries might look like in different situations:
With family:
"I'm not available to discuss [topic]. If it comes up, I'll need to leave the conversation."
"I need you to use my correct name and pronouns. If that doesn't happen, we’ll be spending less time together."
With romantic partners:
"I need us to talk about this when we're both calm. If voices are raised, I'm going to take a break and come back to it later."
"I need alone time to recharge. That's not about you - it's about me taking care of myself."
At work:
"I'm not available to respond to emails after 6 PM unless it's an emergency."
"I can't take on additional projects right now. Let's revisit in [timeframe]."
Notice what these statements have in common? They're direct, they're about your behavior, and they don't leave room for negotiation.
How to Keep Boundaries Without Guilt
Let's be real: guilt is going to show up. Especially at first.
You'll set a boundary, and then your brain will spiral. Am I being too much? Are they mad at me? Maybe I should just let it go this time…
Here's what you need to know: guilt is not a sign that you're doing something wrong. It's a sign that you're doing something different. And different always feels uncomfortable before it feels empowering.
Guilt often comes from the belief that you owe people unlimited access to you - your time, your energy, your emotional labor. But you don't. You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to protect your well-being. You don't need anyone's permission to take care of yourself.
Another thing: you don't need to be understood. It would be great if everyone immediately respected your boundaries and said,“alright, thank you for telling me.” But that's not always how it goes. Some people will push back. Some will get defensive or even angry. That doesn't mean your boundary is invalid - it means they're uncomfortable with the shift.
Your job is not to convince them. Your job is to hold the line.
What to Do When Someone Pushes or Violates Your Boundaries
When you set a boundary, some people are going to test it. Not necessarily because they're bad people, but because they've gotten used to you operating a certain way, and change is uncomfortable.
Here's what pushback can look like:
Minimizing:“You're too sensitive.” “It's not that big of a deal.” or “Why are you making this into a thing?”
Guilt-tripping:“I guess I'm just a terrible person.” “After everything I've done for you…” “Fine, I won't bother you anymore.”
“Forgetting”: Repeatedly crossing the boundary and acting surprised when you bring it up again.
Anger or withdrawal:Getting visibly upset, giving you the silent treatment, or acting like you're the problem.
All of these are tactics - conscious or not - to get you to back down. Don't.
When someone crosses a boundary, your response should be calm, clear, and consistent.
Step 1: Restate the boundary.
“As I mentioned before, I'm not available to talk about [topic” “I asked you to text me after 10 PM only for emergencies. This isn't an emergency.”
Step 2: Follow through with a consequence you can control.
Consequences aren't punishments - they're natural outcomes. If someone won't respect your request to use your correct pronouns, you spend less time with them. If a friend keeps dumping their problems on you without reciprocating support, you take a step back from the friendship.
You can't make someone else change. But you can decide how much access they have to you.
Step 3: Don't keep explaining.
If they're still pushing back after you've been clear, it's not a misunderstanding - it's a choice. You don't owe them a dissertation on why your boundary matters. “This is what works for me” is a complete sentence.
When to Re-Evaluate the Relationship
Sometimes, setting boundaries reveals something painful: this relationship isn't sustainable.
If someone repeatedly refuses to respect your boundaries, if they escalate or punish you for having them, or if your mental health is suffering every time you interact with them - it might be time to step back. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. And not every person will be able to meet you where you are.
Boundaries as Ongoing Practice
Here's the thing about boundaries: they're not one-and-done. They evolve as you grow. What felt okay at 20 might not feel okay at 30. What you could tolerate before might not work anymore - and that's completely valid. You're allowed to adjust your boundaries.
Progress isn't about doing it perfectly. It's about doing it at all. Every time you speak up for yourself, honor your needs, and choose your own well-being - that's progress.
Be patient with yourself. Boundary-setting is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice.
Boundaries Are an Act of Self-Respect
Let's close with this: boundaries are not about building walls. They're about opening doors to the relationships that truly honor you.
They're not mean or selfish, and they're not about pushing people away. Boundaries are about making space for the life you actually want to live - one where you can show up fully because you've protected what matters most.
If you've been living without boundaries for a long time, it might feel impossible to start. But you don't have to overhaul your entire life today. Start with just one.
Maybe it's saying no to a plan you don't really want to do. Maybe it's ending a phone call when you're drained instead of pushing through. Maybe it's asking someone to stop calling you by your dead name.
Whatever it is, you deserve to take up space. You deserve to protect your peace. And you deserve relationships that respect the person you're becoming.
You've got this. 🏳️🌈
Need support on your journey? Check out our programs and resources at bethetransformationalchange.org, or connect with us on social media. You're not alone in this.
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