Gender 101: How to Talk About Identity Respectfully (Without Overthinking It)” I Be The Transformational Change
- Morgan Messick
- Oct 14
- 4 min read
Imagine you’re in a coffee shop and someone introduces themselves using “they/them” pronouns. You want to be respectful - but suddenly, your brain freezes. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Talking about gender can feel complicated, especially if you weren’t raised with this kind of language. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to be perfect, just respectful.
This guide breaks down the what, why, and how of talking about gender respectfully (and correctly) in plain English - no judgment included.
Why Gender-Inclusive Language Matters
Language shapes how we see people and how we make them feel seen.
According to The Trevor Project’s 2024 U.S. National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, trans and nonbinary youth who have their pronouns respected by all or most people in their lives are 50% less likely to attempt suicide. That’s not a small thing - it’s life-saving.
Using gender-inclusive language isn’t about being “nice” or “woke.” It’s about creating a world where people feel safe, valid, and respected for who they are.
Key Terms to Know (Without the Jargon)
Here’s a breakdown of a few common words and phrases you’ll see often in conversations about gender. Understanding them can help you avoid assumptions and speak with more confidence.
Assigned at Birth
Refers to the sex (male, female, intersex) recorded on a person's birth certificate, typically based on visible physical characteristics.
Why it matters: Gender identity doesn’t always align with the sex a person is assigned at birth. That’s why you’ll often hear phrases like “assigned male at birth (AMAB)” or “assigned female at birth (AFAB).”
Cisgender
Describes someone whose gender identity matches their assigned sex at birth. For example, a person assigned female at birth who identifies as a woman.
Why it matters: Using “cisgender” allows us to discuss all gender identities - cisgender, transgender, non-binary, and others - without treating any as the default.
Transgender
An umbrella term for people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth, including transgender, non-binary, and other gender non-conforming identities.
Why it matters: "Transgender" is an adjective, not a noun - say "a transgender person," not "a transgender." This umbrella term recognizes the diversity of gender identities beyond the binary.
Nonbinary
A gender identity that exists outside the traditional categories of male or female. Non-binary is part of the transgender umbrella, though individual non-binary people may or may not use the "transgender" label.
Why it matters: Nonbinary people may use a range of pronouns (they/them, she/they, he/they, etc.) - and their identity is valid, regardless of how they present.
Gender Expression
How a person presents their gender through clothing, behavior, and mannerisms.
Why it matters: Expression doesn’t always match identity. A person’s appearance doesn’t determine their gender.
Gender Identity
A deeply personal sense of one’s own gender - male, female, both, neither, or something else entirely. This isn’t based on physical characteristics, but by the person themselves.
Why it matters: As Alok Vaid-Menon, author of Beyond the Gender Binary, once said: “Gender is not what people look like to other people; it is what we know ourselves to be. No one else should be able to tell you who you are; that’s for you to decide.”
Additional Resources
For a more comprehensive glossary of gender and sexuality terms, visit the University of Michigan's Glossary. This carefully researched resource reflects current general understanding of these terms. Language around gender and sexuality continues to evolve, and these definitions are reviewed regularly to stay current.
What to Say (and What NOT to Say)
If you’re ever unsure what to say, here’s a quick guide:
Instead of... | Try saying... |
“What are you really?” | “How do you identify?” |
“I’ll never get these pronouns right.” | “Thanks for sharing - I’ll practice.” |
“You don’t look trans/nonbinary.” | “I’m glad you told me.” |
“Preferred pronouns.” | Just “pronouns.” (They’re not optional preferences - they’re part of someone’s identity.) |
The goal isn’t perfection - it’s respectful effort.
What to Say When You Mess Up
Even the most well-intentioned people slip up sometimes. What matters is how you respond.
Acknowledge quickly: “I’m sorry - I meant they.”
Don’t over-apologize: Excessive apologies can make the interaction uncomfortable for the person you misgendered, centering your feelings rather than their experience
Keep practicing: The more you use inclusive language, the more natural it becomes.
The goal of any conversation is to connect with one-another. Correct yourself when you mess up, but don’t stress too much. If you’re genuinely trying, people can feel that.
The Takeaway
Talking about gender respectfully isn’t complicated when you lead with humility and genuine care. You don’t need to memorize every term or get it right 100% of the time - you just need to show up, listen, and keep learning.
That’s how transformational change happens - one conversation at a time.
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